Sexy writing paper. Missed writing on this shit…

So, shoes… I really can’t understand what’s with this fascination I have towards shoes. I mean, we just take them and put them on our feet. Nothing else! Maybe it’s because of the atributes I’m imbuing them with. Or maybe it’s because I find them easy to draw.

        The fact thhat I like drawing shoes should tell me something about myself, but I can’t find an explanation for it. This could mean that I can’t figure myself out. Where’s this mental lock located within me?

        I often find myself staring in the mirror, but the person I look at… he’s just a stranger. Nothing more than a gathering of flesh and bone. And hair… I can’t identify anything familiar about me in him. Ive always sliked to think I can see through real, tagible things, such as humans. But let’s put it this way: if I like seeing more in people, then I should be able to see the same in me. Or maybe the lack of seeing more in me resulted in me wanting to see more in others? Why ca’t I manager to deliver the same treatment towards myself? Could it be that I am not just a single idea which managed to materialise itself, but more like an entire conglomerate of ideas? Who am I? What am I? Why am I here? Am I maturing? Am I happy? Am I potential? Am I?

        I wish I was healing… in fact, I already am doing this. E. managed to retrieve a small portion of myself for myself, and that’s ended up in me feeling a little like myself again… It feels really good.

        For the past year and three months I feel as if my entire existence was temporarily canceled. For a whole year, I’ve passed away, but it was OK. I’ve basically borrowed other people’s existence: I’ve been a corporate bitch, a misunderstood wannabe artist, a failure as a student, an aspirign shoe designer. What these people have in common is that they all were potential successful projections on the social ladder, but at the same time, they lacked the guts to achieve themselves. They were just pending, waiting for things to suddenly change. But that doesn’t work that way. Things sometimes need impulses to start moving. Them and I, we have slacked, never doing anything to better ourselves. But again, this was OK.

        A few questions for myself:

a.)    What is my life philosophy?

b.)    Should I wall myself inside myself?

c.)    Do I really need targets and deadlines to give myself meaning?

         The answer to all of these questions is NO! My way of living only focuses on living and possibilities. I can’t work based on the principles that society finds acceptable! It’s not ME! I don’t have a specific life philosophy, because mine is always changing and because it’s got the potential to turn into something else. And people can always come in and greet me and then just leave. It is OK. This is how things work with me! And I suck big time at rules, regulations and deadlines! Fulfilling them isn’t me! I float and I drift! This means only one thing: I am always changing and at the same time, I also nothing! I think my potential is I am and can become at any point something out of nothing. I am simultaneously living in the now and in the next!  My potential is nothing! The nothingness of potential!