Self reconstruction
I
could
not stand any longer the brawl taking place deep within my soul. This inner conflict
made me feel as if I did not have any chance of putting an end to it whatsoever.
There was not a single good reason for pursuing any dreams, any horizons. Because
of it, I always rejected helping myself or accepting others’ help. It was the
cause of an inabillity of finding any rehabilitation for this ‚disease’, as I
would have called it.... a perpetuous battle against me and reality. Or at
least, that was how I felt. It was not until I found the curing effect of expressing
thoughts, regards and sorrows through literature that I actually took a stand
and cleansed myself of inner demons.
I
remember
when I first went to highschool.
Perspectiveless, aimless, pointless! Still, I
guarded myself with a handful of idiotic suppositions of how life would
look from then on. I always felt that I had to create something; to create for others
and particularly for me . And praised be the Lord for having sent me
redemption! A single person was needed to make me aware of my potential and of
the endeavours needed for healing and creating! It was a woman. A woman with a
great personality and unlimited knowledge; more specifically, the sort of
knowledge I needed to be guided with to put at ease my mutilated self.
I
instantly started to work and focus on my newly discovered ambitions and turn
them into paper-written thoughts. It was a reckless way of acting but towards
which I feel no remorse. After all, curing oneself through the making of something
means sheer instinct and continuous practice. Nevertheless, the anguish felt
when seeing no substantial progress made me go backwards several steps. However,
never before had I thought that trying to turn in my inner conflicts would be
such an unlimited realm of creative possibilities. Though it made me almost
self-deconstructively sensitive to everything than others my age, I was very
pleased with it, especially because then and now I stand before unsuspected
misteries and beauties beneath hidden reality. I can say I had found the
Philosopher Stone for twisting reality by my own bidding.
‚When I look back on my life, it’s
not that I don’t want to see things as they happened, it’s just that I prefer
to remember them in an artistic way. And truthfully, the life it all is much
more honest because I invented it. Clinical psychology tells us that trauma is
the ultimate killer.[...] It’s not that I’ve been dishonest, it’s just that I
loathe reality’ Lady GaGa introduces to us her newest
video concept for ‚Marry the Night’. It is a well based theory of self
reconstruction after senseless battles held against both ourselves and reality.
Moreover, I believe that we prefer to perceive such introverted fights as to
forget and reconstruct their reality for building a new inner strength. Instead
of grieving on our past insuccesses we should concentrate on discovering new
paths and means of blooming as a unique artist. Additionally, instead of
traumatising further on our tormented souls, it is much more recommended to disregard
that past trauma and see its brighter side: that it has motivated us, that is
has given us access to abilities never known to us. In lesser words, it has
made us much stronger.
Whether
I create for my egocentric universe or just to refulate negative thoughts and
energies, I do so because it is my way of being violent. Instead of physically
forceful approaches, I find literature a much better substitute to it. I would
rather write with a mad frenzy about pains and sufferings than to hit someone
to express my wrath. In my world, I can be whoever I want to be and as violent
as I can. More often, my ‚real’ reality infiltrates the regular reality in a
brutal manner. I conquer it all with a simple matching of words.
‚With
great power comes great responsibility’. But nevertheless, there is an even
greater chance of meeting one’s renewed person. It might occur as a fact that
we can make something out of nothing. Invariably, we are predestined to be
makers by all creative means we hold. And as our responsibility, we are meant
to create in order to overcome any sort of impediments both self-centered and
extroverted. The need to believe in our capacities proves strong enough to do
so.
So whether I have succeeded or not
in reconstructing myself by means of creative efforts, I always continue. Maybe
one day my meaningless words will help others save themselves from inner
collapse. I have to keep on going with twisting reality from my prism, as well
as to regard my past failures of any kind as successes because they made me
stronger and wiser. I have to hold on to my new ambitions and pursue my destiny
instead of running away from my problems. These conflicts and fears have to be
confronted in order to overcoming self-created illusionary boundaries.
