Self reconstruction

         I could not stand any longer the brawl taking place deep within my soul. This inner conflict made me feel as if I did not have any chance of putting an end to it whatsoever. There was not a single good reason for pursuing any dreams, any horizons. Because of it, I always rejected helping myself or accepting others’ help. It was the cause of an inabillity of finding any rehabilitation for this ‚disease’, as I would have called it.... a perpetuous battle against me and reality. Or at least, that was how I felt. It was not until I found the curing effect of expressing thoughts, regards and sorrows through literature that I actually took a stand and cleansed myself of inner demons.

         I remember  when I first went to highschool. Perspectiveless, aimless, pointless! Still, I  guarded myself with a handful of idiotic suppositions of how life would look from then on. I always felt that I had to create something; to create for others and particularly for me . And praised be the Lord for having sent me redemption! A single person was needed to make me aware of my potential and of the endeavours needed for healing and creating! It was a woman. A woman with a great personality and unlimited knowledge; more specifically, the sort of knowledge I needed to be guided with to put at ease my mutilated self. 

         I instantly started to work and focus on my newly discovered ambitions and turn them into paper-written thoughts. It was a reckless way of acting but towards which I feel no remorse. After all, curing oneself through the making of something means sheer instinct and continuous practice. Nevertheless, the anguish felt when seeing no substantial progress made me go backwards several steps. However, never before had I thought that trying to turn in my inner conflicts would be such an unlimited realm of creative possibilities. Though it made me almost self-deconstructively sensitive to everything than others my age, I was very pleased with it, especially because then and now I stand before unsuspected misteries and beauties beneath hidden reality. I can say I had found the Philosopher Stone for twisting reality by my own bidding.

       ‚When I look back on my life, it’s not that I don’t want to see things as they happened, it’s just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way. And truthfully, the life it all is much more honest because I invented it. Clinical psychology tells us that trauma is the ultimate killer.[...] It’s not that I’ve been dishonest, it’s just that I loathe reality’ Lady GaGa introduces to us her newest video concept for ‚Marry the Night’. It is a well based theory of self reconstruction after senseless battles held against both ourselves and reality. Moreover, I believe that we prefer to perceive such introverted fights as to forget and reconstruct their reality for building a new inner strength. Instead of grieving on our past insuccesses we should concentrate on discovering new paths and means of blooming as a unique artist. Additionally, instead of traumatising further on our tormented souls, it is much more recommended to disregard that past trauma and see its brighter side: that it has motivated us, that is has given us access to abilities never known to us. In lesser words, it has made us much stronger.

         Whether I create for my egocentric universe or just to refulate negative thoughts and energies, I do so because it is my way of being violent. Instead of physically forceful approaches, I find literature a much better substitute to it. I would rather write with a mad frenzy about pains and sufferings than to hit someone to express my wrath. In my world, I can be whoever I want to be and as violent as I can. More often, my ‚real’ reality infiltrates the regular reality in a brutal manner. I conquer it all with a simple matching of words.

       ‚With great power comes great responsibility’. But nevertheless, there is an even greater chance of meeting one’s renewed person. It might occur as a fact that we can make something out of nothing. Invariably, we are predestined to be makers by all creative means we hold. And as our responsibility, we are meant to create in order to overcome any sort of impediments both self-centered and extroverted. The need to believe in our capacities proves strong enough to do so.

            So whether I have succeeded or not in reconstructing myself by means of creative efforts, I always continue. Maybe one day my meaningless words will help others save themselves from inner collapse. I have to keep on going with twisting reality from my prism, as well as to regard my past failures of any kind as successes because they made me stronger and wiser. I have to hold on to my new ambitions and pursue my destiny instead of running away from my problems. These conflicts and fears have to be confronted in order to overcoming self-created illusionary boundaries.